No
by Hekate1308
Summary: No. No. No. One word, two letters, one syllable, it has become your anthem, the truth you cling to, screaming at you, rolling around in your head. Destiel, AU, written for the destielficletchallenge on tumblr.


_No._

 _No._

 _No._

One word, two letters, one syllable, it has become your anthem, the truth you cling to, screaming at you, rolling around in your head –

 _No._

 _No._

 _No._

You can't, you can't, it's not right, what would Dad say, it's not right, it's wrong –

Blue eyes, piercing into yours, soft lips begging to be kissed, and what would it feel like to take a step forward and –

 _No._

 _No._

 _No._

You are a good son, your father taught you, taught you it was wrong, men don't like other men, and you're a man, you don't want to, you don't like Cas that way –

Cas is your best friend. Cas is your best friend. You met seven years ago, and immediately there was –

 _No._

 _No._

 _No._

There's nothing, you're mates, buddies, best friends, you would die for one another, but that's it, no matter what Sammy says, _Dad's dead, Dean, you're thirty-two, you can make your own decisions, I just want you to be happy,_ screw him, he just wants to gloat and say _I told you so,_ he doesn't know anything, you and Cas are just friends and that's all you're gonna be –

 _Do you really want to miss your chance? Cas isn't going to wait forever, he's been trying to make you see what he wants ever since you met, eventually he will think you don't have feelings for him –_

Shut up Sammy, Cas is right, you don't have feelings for him, you just wonder what it would be like to touch him, to draw him close now and then, and that's perfectly normal, every guy thinks like that about his friends, you are all just red-blooded and testosterone-filled, you just crave touches, it's simple –

And even if you –

You don't, but even if you did, Cas doesn't feel that way about you, even if you wanted him to he wouldn't, because no one could ever feel something like that for you, look at you, you're a mechanic, a drop out with a GED, and he's a professor at KU, for Christ's sake, he wouldn't look twice at you, even if you were into guys –

You know he is, from time to time, and you have no problem with it, to each his own, _If you don't object to Cas' sexuality, why can't you consider –,_ Sam is never going to give up but it doesn't matter because you are not _like that_ , you're not _one of them_ , those people Dad always looked at with disgust, _Look at them faggots, thank God my boys are real men,_ even when Sam defied him he was proud because it meant Sam was a real man, and you are one too, although Dad never acknowledged that, acknowledged you –

Cas tells you you're smart, and laughs at your jokes, and is fascinated when you talk about cars –

Buddies, you're buddies, there's nothing else to it, people are just dumb, _You make the cutest couple, How long have you been together, Your boyfriend is really nice,_ they don't know any better, they just see you in diners or at the movies or on the street and make assumptions, but they don't know you, don't know that you are a real man, a good man, the man your father raised.

 _ABBA? You're going to an ABBA tribute show? Voluntarily –_

 _Cas likes it._

 _Dean –_

 _Let it go, Sam._

Of course he didn't, but you're still here because for some reason Cas is really into that stupid group and when he saw the posters and came to see you in your lunch break, eyes all excited and full of hope, you couldn't say know, and how he lit up when you said okay –

 _No._

 _No._

 _No._

You're here to do your friend a favour, and anyway he's talking to the woman next to him, they're philosophizing about the band's career, seriously, why would you know such stuff about a band that's not Led Zeppelin, you're going to have to try to educate Cas again, maybe tomorrow or the day after, a nice evening with takeout, Cas on your couch, laughing and smiling, inching closer as it gets late –

 _No._

 _No._

 _No._

Cas sometimes falls asleep on your couch, and you on his, and the other never moves so you wake up together the next morning –

 _No._

 _No._

 _No._

Seriously, what's he talking to this woman so long for? She looks a bit like Meg, now that you think about it, this she-demon who rode into town and took Cas' heart, and suddenly your evenings were lonely and long, too long, and when she left you would have celebrated only that Cas was heart-broken –

You were there for him, like he was there for you when Lisa left and took your dreams of a family you had never deserved with her, you really loved Ben, you could have made it work, you were trying your best to be a father, and Cas still thinks you'd be a good one, but he'd certainly be better than you, like he is at everything, he'd be careful while raising his kids, you'd just spoil them rotten, but you still want kids, maybe a little girl with you and your mother's eyes, and a boy with dark hair and really blue –

 _No._

 _No._

 _No._

You're not getting any younger, Sam reminded you again this morning, so perhaps it isn't even in the cards for you, and why should it be –

Why is Cas still talking to her, you came here for him, the least he could do is pay you some attention, you don't even like the songs, the band isn't too bad, you suppose, they sound just like the crap Cas loves to play to annoy you, once when you helped him paint his living room he had this one CD on a loop, you could have killed the pretty, wonderful traitor right there –

 _No._

 _No._

 _No._

Men aren't _pretty_ , Dad taught you that, only _they_ think so, but you're not one of them –

How could you be, think of Lisa, think of Cassie, think of Cas' disappointment when you tell him you have a date or that you need to get it off because it's been too long and are headed to a bar –

 _No._

 _No._

 _No._

You like women. It's easy with women, you know what they want, you give them what they want and take in return, it's a simple release, something you need to take the edge of, and it doesn't matter that no one gets it, _You should look for someone who makes you happy,_ you don't care, _Do you really want to keep doing this to yourself, you idjit,_ you don't care, you are perfectly happy as it is, you are a good man, you are a good son, even if Dad never said so –

Dad died three years ago. It was a car accident, he was drunk, once again, no, it's not nice to think of him that way, he is dead and you should have paid better attention, you should have taken his keys, you should not have allowed him to drive –

Cas says it's not your fault, Cas was there for you, he went to the funeral even though he and Dad didn't get along, and you never knew why, because Cas was always polite and nice to him, and yet Dad always sneered at him and barely shook his hand when it was offered, it might have had something to do with his bisexuality, but you don't think Dad knew, because he could be dense and Cas, not wishing to cause tension, never dropped any hints, so why would Dad not like Cas, unless –

 _No._

 _No._

 _No._

In the end, it doesn't matter, Dad's dead and you're here with Cas, listening to goddamn ABBA songs while he is still having the time of his life talking to this woman, really who cares when exactly _Ring Ring_ came out? All you know is that you pray that someone calls them soon because you can't stand the song any longer, but Cas wanted so much to come here, so you concentrate on things that make you happy, spending evenings with Cas, for example, or working on cars, be it in the garage or in Bobby's yard –

Bobby loves Cas, Bobby never sneers or turns away like Dad did, and you're thankful. Mum would have adored Cas, you're sure. They could have talked about angels and bees or whatever struck their fancy, and she would have smiled at him, that bright happy smile you barely remember –

"Is something the matter Dean?"

It's typical of Cas, keeping an eye on him while he's engrossed in conversation with someone else, and you look in his blue eyes and smile because he's flushed and grinning and happy, and it was a good idea to come here after all, if only because looks that way now, and you shake your head.

"Everything's fine".

And it is because Cas is happy and smiling and there, right next to you, and you never feel as good as when you're with him, because he gets you, gets you like not even Sam does, and it has nothing to do with that, no matter what they say.

His hand is on your knee, just for a moment, he squeezes it and lets go, still grinning at you, and it would be so easy to lean in, to close the distance, to be –

 _No._

 _No._

 _No._

Your smile doesn't falter, you're all to used to such thoughts, your father's words the one thing grounding you to sanity, keeping you from giving in, from indulging this madness, because it's madness, there's no other word for it, you and Cas could never be that, no matter how good –

 _No._

 _No._

 _No._

It wouldn't feel good, it can't feel good, you're a man, you're a good son –

Cas starts singing along, and it's enough to raise your spirits instantly, the image of Cas all but screaming to the sounds of _Mamma Mia_ simply too hilarious not to laugh, and why he always insists that he loves this song more than any of their others, you never understood because they sound all the same to you, but you won't mention that now because the last thing you need is a reply that Zeppelin sounds the same all the time too, and that's not even true.  
The woman he's been talking to is chatting excitedly with the friend that came with her, you don't know why you notice, it's not like it's important, and Cas is still singing, so you take pictures on your phone because you need evidence of that –

Cas is not giving you the dirty look you expected, and it takes you a minute to realize it's because you've started to hum along, and damn these annoying catchy song, okay, so ABBA could write some good tunes, that's hardly your fault, but at least Cas is laughing now, the loud, guttural laugh you only hear when he's truly happy, and it's worth anything, even humming along to ABBA. Thank God Sam isn't here, he'd never let you live this down, you didn't see Cas take out his phone but suddenly he's taking pictures of you and alright, Sam is never going to let you live this down because of course Cas is going to show him the pictures, these two have been thick as thieves since you introduced them, and sometimes you think it was a mistake –

It's happening again, the woman Cas spoke to elbows her friend and points at you, not subtle at all, and they're grinning and chuckling and are probably going to be gushing later about the cute gay couple they saw, you suppose it was bound to happen, you're at an ABBA show after all –

How much longer can this even last? How many damn songs do they even have? Cas surely knows, Cas has always known the most random stuff, why bees are important and which God supplanted which among the Celts, he's incredibly smart and yet for some reasons is better friends with you than with Sammy, you'll never know why but you're incredibly thankful, no matter what Dad always said, _I got a smart son and you ain't it,_ _I'm so proud of Sam, Just keep working in the garage, Could you imagine you going to college,_ you both laughed for hours after the last one, you're too stupid to have even contemplated it, but Cas still insists that you would have done well, trying to get you to take night classes, and Sammy of course joins in every time when he's around, and lately even Jess has come to agree with them, and it's a little annoying but also kind of flattering because at least some people think you're worth more than you are, and at times you wish you were smart because then you could follow Cas when he talks about theodicy, and idolatry and all kinds of things you could never comprehend, but at least he's talking to you about them like you get it, and that's just worth having the words of the New Testament running around in your mind for hours after, in Cas' deep voice –

That voice, unexpected, surprising when you met because you didn't think someone like him could have so deep, so scratchy a voice, but it fits, you can't imagine him sounding any different, those voice, calling you, explaining, laughing, whispering your name in the night –

 _No._

 _No._

 _No._

But still, there's something about his voice, how he pronounces your name, and that's okay, because you're best friends, and best friends are special to one another, it's completely normal that you think his voice is as beautiful as his face, you're sure his students are enamoured with him, and in fact you know of at least one is because a few months ago you picked him up after a lecture and a student was still in the classroom, asking question after question, and Cas was clearly not realizing why she was still there, and you laughed at him for hours after that, Cas not finding it amusing at all, _Dean, I would never contemplate a relationship with a student, it's unethical, plus they are much too young to catch my interest,_ and he looked at you, an expression you could not read in his eyes, and you were so close, he was leaning forward in the Impala, and a car behind you honked and you remembered that you were supposed to be driving –

Cas has always had that effect on you, making you forget where you are, hogging all your attention, which is why you're looking at him once more instead of following the show, but the music is terrible anyway so why should you care, and Cas is just so captivating when he's happy, carefree, enjoying himself, you don't get to see it often, mostly when you're alone, it's late, the tv is illuminating Cas' features and it seems like you're the only people in the world –

It's normal, you're friends, really close friends, there's nothing odd about being happy around one another or the small touches, dragging him by the arm to show him something, he turning you around when he's eager to point out a small bee that's somehow found the only flower among miles of concrete, he taking your hand to comfort you at Dad's funeral, your fingers touching when you hand him a cup of coffee, it's all normal, it's how it's supposed to be, there's nothing wrong in the touches you crave, sometimes they are the only thing fettering you to reality, when you're angry or sad and nothing seems to make sense, there'll be a hand on your shoulder and you'll know it's going to be alright, and you never go overboard, you have only hugged once or twice in the last five years, and the second time doesn't really count, because it was more Cas holding you after you'd got the news about Dad and you were crying uncontrollably, you never got his approval after all, no matter what you did, but Cas was there and it made it slightly more bearable, he has been there for you since you met, when Sam was visiting you and not feeling well and begging you to go to a farmer's market and getting him some healthy stuff that made you shudder, but he's your little brother so you went and ran into Cas and he spilled his newly-bought, chemicals-free asparagus all over the ground and you helped him pick it up and the rest, as they say, is history, you've even started to eat some green food now and then because he wouldn't stop nagging.

And really, you like it when he cooks for you, although you'll never admit it because the last thing Sam needs to know is that you eat salad voluntarily when Cas makes it for you, but it's a treat to watch him in his kitchen, his long, nimble fingers cutting the ingredients carefully, mixing them, arranging them on a plate because _The eye eats just as the stomach does,_ and Cas in fact makes anything look appetizing, and he blushes when you tell him that, just like he usually blushes when you compliment him, he blushes and looks down, his eyes covered by his long lashes, and you just want to push his chin up so he would look at you –

 _No._

 _No –_

Another song starts, and you recognize it again, when did you become acquainted with all of ABBA's songs anyway, was it on one of those days when Cas forced you to listen to his CDs again and again, he's the only one you will allow to even own something more modern than a cassette when it comes to music?

It's _Lay All Your Love On Me_ , and at least it's not as annoying as _Ring Ring_ , you'll take small favours at this point, but that's ungrateful, it sounds like you're having a bad time, and you don't, after all Cas is enjoying himself, and that was all you looked forward to concerning this evening, so you sit back and enjoy the show, Cas', that is, and when the guy at the keyboard starts singing you realize they're doing the version from that terrible movie that Cas forced you to watch, you cringe just thinking about these two hours of poor agony you had to endure in the theatre, but Cas was enthralled and at one point held his hand, sniffling because he thought Meryl Streep and Pierce Brosnan weren't going to end up together after all, that's another thing about Cas, he's just so innocent, it's adorable –

 _No._

 _No –_

Apparently Cas is mostly singing the girl's verses, and it's hilarious. Cas would make a very cute chick though, you're sure you'd be all over that if he was, no harm done with these thoughts because it's hypothetical, and why is he suddenly singing with the woman next to him? Why is she singing the guy's parts? Didn't she think you and him were a couple like five minutes ago? What right has she to sing with him? She doesn't know him like you do, and yes, you're not particularly keen on singing anyway, but that doesn't mean she has any right to sing along with your best friend, to a love song of all things, it should be you –

 _No._

 _No –_

The song is over, thank God, wait, now they're giving an encore, who does that, it's freaking ABBA, but the crowd seems to like it, oh please not another duet by Cas and this woman, whoever she is, she has no business here –

But she doesn't start singing this time when the guy begins, so you guess you're safe, but now you're suddenly listening to the lyrics which you have been avoiding all evening because most are laughable and you know them all anyway, thanks to Cas' forced education, and yet, these lyrics –

 _I wasn't jealous before we met, now every man that I see is a potential threat;  
And I'm possessive, it isn't nice,  
you've heard me saying that smoking was my only vice_

You wouldn't pay attention, but now the woman and her friend are giving you expressive looks, and it's ridiculous, because you're not jealous, jealousy implies something else, something different, that you and Cas are not, because you could never be _like that_ , Dad taught you –

 _No._

 _No –_

 _But now it isn't true; now everything is you;  
And all I've learned has overturned, I beg of you_

Really, _now everything is you_ , really? Is that even supposed to be romantic, it's borderline stalkerish, as far as you're concerned, Cas isn't your everything, he's just very very important to you, and why are you even thinking of Cas when they're playing a love song? You're not like that.

Cas is pouting at you, but there are things you won't do, and singing a romantic duet with your best friend is one of them, why doesn't he turn back to the woman, no, you don't want that, you were angry about it just a minute ago, why is suddenly everything so complicated? You're at an ABBA tribute concert, no drama is expected to happen, and you're freaking out because –

Are you freaking out? It's difficult to say, but there's this music and Cas is looking at you and no, he's going to turn back to her, no he doesn't, it's stupid, he doesn't even know her, he was just talking and then singing to her, he came here to enjoy himself, so why shouldn't he, you can't stand ABBA anyway, so it's no problem, but still, Cas is here with you –

 _No._

 _No –_

 _Don't go wasting your emotion, lay all your love on me_

That's just it, Cas is here with you, so why should he waste his time with her?

You can sing loud and false enough, you prove it when you're alone and once or twice when Cas caught you, so he already knows, and shouldn't he –

You're just a little touchy when it comes to your best friend's attentions, that is all, you simply want him to look at you and smile at you and have fun with you when you're together, that's normal, nothing strange about it, nothing wrong, that's just how things are, the world works that way –

Cas starts singing the chick's verse again, you should have known –

 _It was like shooting a sitting duck  
a little small talk, a smile and baby, I was stuck  
I still don't know what you've done with me  
a grownup woman should never fall so easily_

Cas isn't looking strangely at you, that's your imagination, although maybe you're acting weird and he's concerned, so you force a smile on your face and start making ridiculous little movements to the music, because if it makes Cas happy, it's good enough for you, and the song has to end eventually – please, don't let there be another encore, please – and Cas grins at you, but there's still the expression in his eyes you don't get, surely he can't be angry at you? Perhaps he wants to talk to the woman again and your totally-not-jealousy next to him makes it difficult to hit on her? But Cas isn't the type to hit on anyone; you know because you've watched him flirt, awkward and adorable at the beginning, then surer of himself, until you, you mean him or her, is completely enthralled, you've no idea why you just put yourself in the role of the someone Cas was flirting with because you have never flirted, aren't flirting and will never flirt with one another, not even with that look of tenderness that suddenly appears on Cas' face –

 _No._

 _No –_

 _I feel a kind of fear  
When I don't have you near  
Unsatisfied I skip my pride  
I beg you dear_

It's embarrassing, but you kind of empathize with ABBA, because you don't like it when you don't know where Cas is, or what he's doing; that's one of the unspoken rules of your friendship, he calls you all the time too, to complain about his students or the dean, and you text him about annoying clients, you need each other, so yeah, not being near Cas and having no idea where he is is rather bad –

 _Don't go sharing your devotion, lay all your love on me_

Cas is giving you all his attention now, just like you wanted, and you're rocking to ABBA of all bands, and you're laughing because it's another crazy thing you've done together, that will always belong to the two of you, like so many other things in the last five years, you don't know where you would be without Cas –

 _I've had a few little love affairs  
They didn't last very long and they've been pretty scarce_

Come to think of it, you didn't suffer long after every breakup, not even when Lisa took Ben because Cas was there, Cas is always there, and you can't imagine a future where he isn't right by your side –

 _I used to think that was sensible  
It makes the truth even more incomprehensible_

You've never really thought about it, this closeness, that is you wouldn't have if everyone could just shut up and Sammy would leave you alone with his _You are your own man_ and _You should do what makes you happy_ and _You know we all love you_ speeches, it's not something you have to think about, it just is –

 _Don't go wasting your emotion  
Lay all your love on me  
Don't go sharing your devotion  
Lay all your love on me_

And right there, at this stupid ABBA tribute thing, it dawns on you that it can't always be that way, because Cas is awesome and deserves someone, someone as awesome as he, and he'll find someone, and that'll mean no more late nights on the couch and no more bringing takeout during lunch breaks, and he'll take him or her to stuff like this, to ABBA concerts and operas and bee conventions and whatever Cas happens to be interested in, and you'll watch from the sidelines and wish it was you –

 _No –_

 _Don't go wasting your emotion  
Lay all your love on me  
Don't go sharing your devotion  
Lay all your love on me_

It's not _that_ , it can't be _that_ , you like how things are now, so of course the thought of them changing makes you unhappy, it's nothing more –

You want Cas around, it's all you know, you want him around, to laugh and hold you and –

 _No –_

You want him to be the first person you speak to after you've woken up, and the last before you go to sleep, and you want to watch foreign movies and listen to ABBA with him until you both die of old age, is that too much to –

 _No –_

And it would be really nice if you could see as much of each other as possible, there's no reason not to, as far as you are concerned you could just move in together, then you wouldn't waste time driving to and from each other's apartments –

 _No –_

In the end, does Cas really need a significant other? Do you? You have each other, that counts, right? It's not that different, although if you were to kiss and cuddle and do other stuff, it probably wouldn't be that –

 _No –_

 _Don't go wasting your emotion  
Lay all your love on me  
Don't go sharing your devotion  
Lay all your love on me_

It hits you, right there, with Cas singing along to the chorus again (how often are they going to repeat these four lines?), that listening to your father, that being a good son, that being a man, means nothing if it means that Cas goes and finds someone else and you are left alone, and that you have wanted more since you met him, only you've always denied yourself what you want most, and oh crap, Sam was right, and where is that voice in your head when you need it?  
 _…_

Before desperation can seize you because Cas could never, would never look at you this way, Cas looks you straight in the face and sings the chorus again, and there can be no doubt that it's for you, and you suddenly remember countless special smiles and small touches and _Are you alright, Dean_ and other moments when he let you know how much you mean to him, and you were stupid, you were an idiot, you almost let this pass you by –

Cas has turned away, and you recall all those moments again, and now you see the small disappointment that always comes at the end of them, the slight dimming of the light in his eyes, and you take your hand and squeeze, and when he turns to you in astonishment, you kiss him.

The song is still going, people are screeching, and you're kissing Cas.

And it's perfect.

You move together as if you've done this for years, and you'll be certainly doing it for many more; you separate just to join lips again, Cas' face alight with happiness, and you suspect you wear a similar expression, and as you kiss him and hear a happy squeal from the woman next to you, she's not that bad really, you anticipate Sam jumping up and down like the puppy he is and Bobby's gruff but heartfelt congratulations, you imagine a future and a new apartment and maybe a house, who knows, and you accept that you will have to dance to goddamn ABBA at your wedding, because this is it, this is it for you, you end the kiss and open your eyes, he's looking right at you, and you're both basking in the joy of being together, finally, completely, and you realize that the voice in your head, your mantra, has transformed into something altogether different, but true –

 _No –_

 _Yes._

 _Yes._

 _Yes._


End file.
